The Trouble with Divorce Laws

When we talk about the new divorce law in China there is an element of censure from reporters outside of China, particularly in the US. The problem is that this law has been on the books in US states for years.

The new law in China calls for a “cooling off’ period for the couple after they file for divorce. This is to give them a chance to rethink their decision. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/frustration-among-women-china-new-divorce-law-stalls-process-n1262065

Texas has this same law. When I went to divorce my husband 3 years ago I was told that I would have to wait 3 months before the divorce would be finalized.

That I had left an abusive husband didn’t matter. As far as the state of Texas is concerned, why would I want to leave a man? They only care if I’m married, not if I’m in danger. That is none of their concern.

The problem with any law that delays divorce is an added burden to the person who is leaving abuse. Any delay in getting away from an abusive partner is dangerous.

The burden is also on where you are going to live while you are waiting for the cooling off period to end so that you are safe.

In the United States, it’s uncommon for anyone to stay with friends or family for 3 months. It would be considered a burden by many whose homes would be the new base for someone who is hurting from not only the abuse, but also the wait until they can finally be legally removed from their abuser.

People worry about opening their homes to someone who might lead an angry, abusive person to their door.

In Texas there was the added problem, that if I was to file for divorce while I was physically in Texas, I would have to stay in the same county as my ex for a YEAR!

I was still healing from cancer & a coma at the time I filed for divorce, but I knew one thing, there was no way in the world I would be staying anywhere near that man.

So I found some money that I had saved in a forgotten account, left & stayed in cheap hotels. It cost a fortune, but seemed like a worthwhile cost for my freedom.

These are the hidden costs of a waiting period for women & men in China. If they are trying to leave abuse, a ‘cooling off’ period simply means the abuser has more time to wear down the person being abused.

It’s more expensive because for 3 months your funds are going to pay for two households. Even if family or friends come to the aid of the survivor, there is still an added financial cost. There is also the reality that the person who has the most control over the money can withhold it from the person who left. This is what happened in my case.

There is the added fear for the person who left in worry that their abuser will try to coerce them back. That they won’t be able to say ‘no’ if confronted. People who leave abuse are dealing with a ton of PTSD and are in such a fragile state. They should not have to worry about their abusive spouse finding them, but they do.

Even shelters can be challenges for women who leave & file for divorce. They are not 100% safe from the abusers, who can often figure out to which shelter their spouse has gone.

I am sorry to hear about this legal move in China, but I am also sorry that this has been a law for so long in US states. In a time when we should be helping people succeed & flourish, this is another rock in the backpack of life.